Learning to embrace forgiveness, within myself, is like a full-time job. As a parent I feel the pattern of reaction-guilt, reaction-guilt, reation-guilt at an all-time high. A flux of emotions on the regular :: Here I am this clear, elegant, inspiring teacher on the mat, all the while finding myself in moments of emotionally charged littleness as a mummy.
I have battled the question frequently "Who am I to teach?" as I feel blocked and stuck within these weak and angry fuelled states. Over the years these negative vibrations have diminished in severity, as I routinely take the time in stillness, forming a more honest relationship with myself. Like a great date, each morning I am able to release my jaw, surrender on my pillow and return home. My favorite ripple in space. By taking this time to sweetly whisper "I FORGIVE" I can witness the self-attack and smile at it. Recognizing the shift, but not allowing myself to get lost in it. I am learning to appreciate forgiveness as a sense of freedom :: I am pushed to my edge on the daily, but by taking responsibility of the ugly and bathing myself in the wisdom of forgiveness, I release the feeling of victim that creates such havoc on my heart.
I know this anger is not my most radiant self: A human response of blocked energy, but if I can notice that fine glimpse of light before the reaction, just like the gap between thoughts while meditating, how magical the transformation. Forgive-delete, forgive-delete, forgive-delete ~ my new mantra.